The views and opinions expressed in the following article are that of the bitter author and do not reflect this publication. This commentary is meant to be purely satirical.
Are you dreading V-day? Do you have no money to spend on the person you’re with? Do you have no desire to share a holiday with someone you don’t like or care about? Do you hate spending money on anyone but yourself but you’ve found yourself in a pseudo relationship?
If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, you have a possibly unavoidable Valentine on your hands. Fear not, the following list, if used correctly, may get you out of this dreadful holiday.
1. Feign an illness. This is the oldest trick in the book and frankly, it’s a shame you couldn’t think of it on your own. Visit a site like Web MD to get the symptoms down pat. If he/she doubts you say “Google my symptoms if you don’t believe me. Geesh! And you think I want to be sick on the most important day of the year!?” Bonus points if you allow the person to bring you soup.
2. Stop showering today, start to grow an unkempt mustache and don’t change clothes. Use those unchanged clothes as a napkin. Believe it or not, this is achievable for both males and a larger-than-you-think population of females. This will start a chain reaction which will lead to your possibly unavoidable Valentine finding a reason to skip out on Valentine’s Day with you. Final step: play the victim after you’ve showered and found an attractive person after Valentine’s Day.
3. Cover for any love-sick schmuck at your work. There is always an opportunity for this. You can usually seek this person out because they’re the one in the break room saying “I didn’t get Valentine’s Day off! And I’m so upset.” You will earn brownie points with this person for future call-offs while simultaneously forcing another person to celebrate this holiday, which, if you enjoy upsetting others, will bring you comfort and joy. If you are not sick and twisted and it is possible, pass this list on to the love sick co-worker’s spouse/ partner.
4. Convulse. Yes, convulse. Get dressed up and ready to go on the big day. As you’re exiting the door began shaking rapidly. Roll your eyes back for added effect. IMPORTANT NOTE: Make sure you are NOT holding an infant or baby or both.
5. Renounce the celebration of all holidays as a personal moral code or a new self-based religion i.e. your name+ ism. Example: “Josephism.” You’ve seen the way and you’re not going back. Bonus points if you can convert anyone in the process. Possible selling point: “Really, being this unsupportive of my decision only draws me nearer to the way.” Be sure to change your mind before Christmas unless a lack of funds or an utter disinterest in your family prevents you from wanting to celebrate that possibly unavoidable holiday.
6. Claim that your mom/ dad has and always will be your Valentine. Driving a wedge between you and your parent is unattractive and most guys/girls would feel odd demanding you drop your parent. If you can’t stand your parents and have made that apparent to your possibly unavoidable Valentine, use grandma or grandpa. This endears you to your possibly unavoidable Valentine and allows you to look family-oriented. Possible selling point “It’s just, you never know how long these treasures are going to be around.” Bonus points if you produce an “Ahhh” from your possibly unavoidable Valentine.
7. Break up with your possibly unavoidable Valentine. Spontaneous and irrational fights are a good way to start. “I saw the mailman leaving here the other day.” This can be true for anyone AND seems like an accusation. Defenses will immediately go up by your possibly unavoidable Valentine. Then you counter with the inevitable “If you aren’t guilty, why are you being so defensive, huh?”
8. Convince your possibly unavoidable Valentine that this holiday was created by greeting card and flower companies to gain profit. Possible selling point, “I don’t need a holiday to prove my love to you, let’s celebrate our love another day away from the sickening commercialism that fuels this so-called holiday.” To avoid that day, keep this list handy.
9. Get caught slow dancing with the ridiculously large bear you were “planning” to give to your possibly unavoidable Valentine. When caught, say “I was practicing for you, baby.” For added creepiness, leave a window open on your computer that says “♥♥♥Us♥♥♥” with suggestive photos of you with the aforementioned slow dancing bear.
10. At a moment of utter desperation, flee town. Planes, trains and automobiles are all good modes of transportation. If you are low on cash, hitchhike.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. Good luck, all.